and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
