i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
