i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
