in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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