I just made out with a guy for $7.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
