I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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