got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
