I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
