Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
