as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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