i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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