I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
