He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
