You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
