I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
