you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
