one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
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