I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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