life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
