The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
