I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
