No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Couch. On fire.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
