There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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