Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
