"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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