She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
