I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
