Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
