Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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