Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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