I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize