Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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