you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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