you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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