i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
