I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
