I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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