he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
