YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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