I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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