you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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