sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
