I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
