I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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