what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
