these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
