At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
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I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
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Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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