I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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