shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize