Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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