i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
