Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
