I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
