I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
is wine microwaveable?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
