I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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