i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
