sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sext me about skeletons
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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