hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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