i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
