I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
