wrigley field is MILF paradise
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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